Catching Up

Okay, I've been doing this program for almost a couple of weeks now, and I'm excited to transfer my journal entries to my blogspot.  It'll make it a lot easier to write it down at the end of the day, although I have to admit I've enjoyed writing in my journal daily.  Considering I wasn't originally looking forward to it, it's been a pleasant surprise to find I'm actually having fun with this.  

Writing about each word everyday has been a discovery; I feel as if I'm learning who I am for the first time.  It's a little scary, as I'm discovering the good and the bad, the light and the dark about myself, but I feel liberated, as well.  Now that I'm beginning to see myself more clearly, I feel I have more freedom to make different choices; within my mind, heart and actions.  

This program isn't just a self-help thing; it's changing me all over.  I don't know how to explain it.  It's not a help as much as it is a transformation.  Yes, I think that better explains it.  It is transforming me into a new, better me.  It is not helping me; it is changing me.  That is the power of the 90-day EWACEO program.  It changes people. 

Well, here are my entries so far.  I'm putting myself out there and I'm trying not to freak out at how personal these are, but I believe in this program and am stepping out in the power of faith and vulnerability to do what I believe is right with this.  Be kind, dear reader.  




 
Monday, June 3, 2013 

C-word---------"Contained"

"Today is the word "contained".  I am looking for any way to use this word. I am in Pocatello with Alicia today.  She has a pre-trial in 10 minutes.  We are at the courthouse and I am watching her try to contain her emotions and fear, to hold them in check so she can remain composed.

I am trying to contain my emotions, as well, for I REALLY dislike court situations.  Court itself, truthfully, seems so overly objective to me, that mercy is no longer allowed to enter into any verdict or ruling.  Especially with Alicia's court case.  Oops.  There I go, NOT containing my emotions!

I was getting dressed this morning and thinking of this c-word and how it could be used, dissected, understood.  I began putting on my bra, realizing that it was a container, that my breasts would be "contained".  OK, it's not entirely weird or inappropriate to talk about that, is it?  Well, maybe it is.  Sigh.

I stopped at Fred Meyer this morning to get an energy boost smoothie.  I drank it gratefully, realizing that it was no longer "contained" in a bottle, but rather, it was now "contained" in me.  I was now the container.  I "contain". 

A container is closed, yes?  My body is closed, for the most part, keeping fluids and organs in place.  Right now I"m beginning to get a headache and wish I could just open my head and let the ache out of my head.  Can that happen somehow:  open up my head and just let it out? 

Containers can be opened.  Their very nature demands it, now or later, does it not?  Even sealed containers can be un-sealed. 

Perhaps I can simply relax and LET the headache go.  That makes it sound like I'm holding onto it on purpose, voluntarily.  Begs the question: What else am I containing?  Fluids, certainly: blood, urine, mucus, tears, sweat, etc., all of which are "contained" and have ways of being released. 

I also contain emotions, chemicals, impurities, feelings, thoughts, toxins, among other things.  Can I simply lift the lid and let all the negative stuff be released as well?  There are certain things I don't wish to contain, others that I do.  I'll have to refer to my strength/weaknesses lists to determine which those are."

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

C-word.........."Clear"

"Today my c-word is "clear".  I'm finding it a bit of a challenge changing my mindset from one word to then next without still dwelling on the previous one.  I'm still thinking of "contained", for pete's sake!

I am in Blackfoot, staying at Jennifer's house.  Her children have become lazy and have become disrespectful towards their mother.  It's been difficult to watch, so I spoke to her to ask permission to boss them around a bit.  She said I could.  I "cleared" it with her, making certain I left no path of hurt feelings or resentments in my wake.  Then I thought about my approach to this challenge.  I had to be really "clear" about what I believed I could get them to accomplish in the few hours I had available.

We worked our butts off, metaphorically speaking.  She has a large home --- 3 levels.  The main level consists of 5 rooms.  We got 3 of them done.  It feels much better in her home, the kids are even more calm and kinder to one another.  It's suddenly peaceful here.

So, did we clean, then become "clear"? Or is it clean BECAUSE I got "clear" on my intent to help Jen clean her house?  Hmm.....

I was certainly "clear" on my intent to help.  She feels overwhelmed and it shows in the condition of the house.   The bathroom is huge.  I began to be overwhelmed and lost clarity on my objective, losing my ability to stay "clear" on what WANTED to do, so I broke it down to what I felt I COULD do.  I became absolutely "clear" on 2 things: the toilet and the bathtub.  They now sparkle.  There are still clothes and dirty towels on the floor, the mirror still smudged and dirty, the floor needs to be swept and mopped, but I"m not worried about that.  I leave in the morning to go back to Boise and I'm really "clear" about what I can do, what I'm willing to do.  I hope it helped her.

I'm also getting more "clear" about what I want to accomplish in my life.  I want to improve my health, get these businesses up and running.  Being here gets me out of the fog of Carson's abuse, and my mind is feeling more "clear".  MUCH more "clear". 

I have some decisions to make when I get home.  Clearly so."

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

c-word............."clean"

"Well, I am home in Boise today.  We left Blackfoot early this morning, as I had to be back here for an early afternoon appointment. 

The day is now done and I just took my evening bath and am preparing for bed.  I am bathed; washed "clean".  It was so hot today, I was sweaty and stinky.  Ew.  I don't like that feeling, so the nighttime bath helps me sleep better, feeling "clean" and refreshed.  I like that feeling.

Yesterday I had Jerem "clean" the car in preparation for our trip home.  It made it so much easier to pack.  I could work more efficiently and get more done faster, get more in because it was "clean" of garbage and clutter.  We cleaned it again when we got home.  So nice to not have to worry about it.

I also went and got groceries today, but first I got the fridge "clean".  It made it easier to fit everything in.

Jim and I had a disagreement today.  It was awful.  Nevertheless, we pushed through it.  There were some pent-up emotions in us both and it felt good to air them out and resolve some of them.  In some things, we've made a mess with each other, and it felt good to "clean" it up together.

I cleaned kitchen counters, a car, a refrigerator, my suitcase, laundry, hard feelings between Jim and me.  I cleaned vegetables for dinner, cleaned my hands several times throughout the day, etc.  However, in all this cleanliness, there is one pervading question in my mind:  Am I clean on the inside?  Am I clean before God?  Before my peers?  This now becomes a pressing matter for me to ponder.  I want to be "clean" in everything."

Thursday, June 6, 2013

"I skipped a c-word today so I could get a more formal strengths/weaknesses list done and officially recorded.  Had to do Assignment #2 while I had Crys and Kelly together.  They are also doing this, so it was fun to hear their lists and identify their strengths as well.  It was an extremely positive, even loving, experience, very uplifting."

Friday, June 7, 2013

c-word..........."Composed"

"I am on my 4th word.  Only 26 to go for the month!  Whoohoo!

I am composed.  I am a series of elements that have taken shape in human form.  I am composed of water, carbons, proteins, plasma, electrons, atoms, molecules.  I've just described the composition of a dog, cat, frog, eagle, mouse, slug, or any other living creature on this earth.  What makes me different from them? 

Perhaps science would say it's DNA, that infinite strand that identifies who and what we are.  Still, I don't believe that explains the complexity of thought, of reason, of feeling.

My thoughts and feelings define who I am.  What, then, composes those?  Is there such a thing as being pre-composed?  That perhaps we are a composed being within a composed being?  DNA doesn't change with death, and yet something changes as life leaves us.  And, as we lay lifeless in death, we de-compose, as elements redistribute themselves into the earth.  Can thought and feeling de-compose?  Something tells me they do not, but live on, holding fast together to live and breathe another day. 

I try daily to keep my emotions under control, to be composed, having composure.  Carson makes it hard.  It is not good to lose composure, as it shows a lack of controlled form.  Frustration, resentment, tears, anger, despair----all are types of de-composure, distributing negative thoughts and feelings into Mother Earth and bombarding those around us.

Composure, it seems to me, would indicate an environment of elements working together to create controlled movement or form.  When I'm angry are my facial movements working smoothly?  Under controlled form? I would say it is not.

Perhaps when Christ says, "Peace, be still" He is commanding to be composed; placid, still, at peace.

I wish to be composed at all times.   I desire to be composed and at peace always."

Saturday, June 8, 2013

c-word..........."Contrite"

" I did NOT enjoy this word.  I am contrite today, I just didn't enjoy it.  Maybe that means I wasn't really contrite.  I just haven't enjoyed it like I have the other words so far.  I have had to swallow a lot of pride and impatience today, as I listened to a friend of mine on the pone for an hour trying to explain legal property terms to me I didn't entirely understand.  I actually rolled my eyes at the wall, while listening....and listening...and listening.....

Halfway through the listening, I realized how disrespectful I was being, even though she wasn't aware of my discomfort.  I did her a disservice by not being contrite, teachable.  She is going to great pains to help us with this property thing.  I know this is unacceptable.  I should be contrite in ALL things. 

Tomorrow is the Lord's Day.  I will participate in the Lord's supper, the Sacrament.  He has asked me, asked us all,  to offer a broken heart and contrite spirit on the sacramental altar each Sunday.  I couldn't even be contrite for even one single hour with my friend on the phone.  If I can't be contrite with such a good woman, one of God's elect daughters, how then could God accept any alms given by me on His Sabbath day?

Oh, bother!  What a lowlife I am at the moment.   Wow. This was an eye-opener for me.  So, on the bright side, I am now much more aware of this weakness, can work on it, make a strength.  Again, wow."