Captivating, Communicative

Captivating:

1. Taking prisoner; engaging the affections.

2. a. Having power to engage the affections.

---

This program is full of discoveries about myself.  I have discovered---again---that monthly hormones turn me into sludge.  Nothing captivating about sludge.  I have not been captivating.  I was bemoaning this sad fact out in the flower garden, swinging on the garden swing, spending a precious few moments alone, and pondering this word, feeling absolutely miserable, listless, lethargic, well, you get the picture.  Whine, whine, whine, whine....shall I go on? 

As I was gently swinging, I looked down and saw a rolypoly laboriously make his way across a decorative brick.  I remembered playing with them when I was a young girl, handling them, trying to get them to curl into a protective ball by agitating them.  I smiled at the memory and continued to watch the bug.  Then I saw a daddy long leg cross the same brick with what probably seemed like leaps and bounds compared to the rolypoly.  And then ants, skittering around on the hunt for food to feed the colony.  Then I  heard a mosquito buzz in my ear, a bee hum in the flowers all around me. 

Of f in the distance, my sister's cat was climbing a tree, harassing a nest, the mama bird squawking in a threatened panic.  There were birds everywhere, the flowers in full bloom, a soft breeze, leaves rustling in the trees, my 8-year-old son and niece around the corner laughing and squealing in delight on the trampoline. 

I was taken prisoner, completely captive in affections for all the things around me.  In a flood of emotion and gratitude, I knew I was the one held captive.  This was not what I was expecting from that word at all, yet it created something more poignant and captivating than I could ever be on my own.  In that one moment I was happy to be sludge, as long as I could be such whilst completely in the spell of the wonder about me.  For that moment I was a happy captive. 

My 5-year-old niece came bursting into the garden and broke the moment, but it lingers still in my heart.  Makes me smile.  And even now, a day later, it still holds me captive when I think on it.  What a beautiful word.  What a beautiful manifestation of that word. 






COMMUNICATIVE, a.

1. Inclined to communicate; ready to impart to others. In the sense of liberal of benefits, though legitimate, it is little used.

2. Disposed to impart or disclose, as knowledge, opinions, or facts; free to communicate; not reserved.

We have paid for our want of prudence, and determine for the future to be less communicative.

 

 

Communicative.....hmm.  I don't know how to approach this word.  Still feeling like sludge, so my communication has been limited today.  I had two wonderful opportunities to impart or disclose knowledge and opinions with my daughter and my 15-year-old son.  And I believe I communicated well.  

 

I also had an opportunity to impart what I thought were words of wisdom to my son with mental illness.  Ever had one of those days where it would just be in the greatest of wisdom to simply  tape your mouth shut?  This particular  instance spun out of control so quickly, I had to walk away.  It took me nearly 2 hours to calm down.  Granted, none of my agitation showed on the inside.  I kept all feelings contained.  Even my body language.  He has no idea I was so upset.  That's largely in due to this program and what I'm learning about myself.  Even though I am very weak in communicating with those with mental illness, I am learning how to control myself better.  Still, communication with him is nearly impossible.  I don't even know why I bother.  

 

I've even thought of setting up a clicker system with him.  1 click for "no", 2 clicks for "yes", and a serious of clicks for "I love you, but I better leave before I do something I regret."  This is the simplest form of communication I can think of.  Even dogs respond to it.  Think my 14-year-old would respond?  Probably not. That would be too easy.  Sigh.  I wish he could know that I'm trying to tell him I love him.  He doesn't understand my language, and I'm having such a difficult time learning his.  Communication isn't as easy as I thought.  I've always felt I was quite good at communicating, especially considering my love of words.  But with him......

 

A very enlightening word.  Revealed a lot about myself.

 

 

 

curious

CURIOUS, a. [L., care. See Cure.]

1. Strongly desirous to see what is novel, or to discover what is unknown; solicitous to see or to know; inquisitive.

2. Habitually inquisitive; addicted to research or enquiry; as a man of a curious turn of mind; sometimes followed by after, and sometimes by of.

3. Accurate; careful not to mistake; solicitous to be correct.

4. Careful; nice; solicitous in selection; difficult to please.

5. Nice; exact; subtile; made with care.

 6. Artful; nicely diligent.

7. Wrought with care and art; elegant; neat; finished; as a curious girdle; curious work Exodus 28 and 30.

8. Requiring care and nicety; as curious arts. Acts 19.

9. Rigid; severe; particular. [Little used.]

 10. Rare; singular; a a curious fact.


Interesting definitions!  I only related my own understanding to 2 or 3 of these definition, but never would have supposed the other definitions.  Rigid?  Severe?  Particular?  Careful?  Accurate?  You've got to be kidding!  I would never have gone there.  

However, that being said, I'm reviewing my day and seeing where I've done any of this.  I am certainly inquisitive, truly addicted to  research and to discover what is unknown.  

I went to the temple today and couldn't soak up enough information.  Sometimes I get frustrated with what I want to know, but have to wait to find out.  Sigh.  Still, I learned a lot and am grateful for a broadening understanding of what God wants me to do about it. 

They say that "curiosity killed the cat", portraying being curious as a bad thing.  Curiosity comes with its risks, of course, but without it nothing would get done or discovered in this world.   Inquisitive.  Hmmm.  I have recently had the opportunity to teach some learning skills to a friend of mine.  He was particularly excited when I showed him a technique in asking questions.  "The question is in the answers", I said.  As he started asking questions of everything he was seeing, he got very excited about it.  Asking the right questions opens us up to a whole new world of awareness.  Being inquisitive.  

I am curious.  I want to know things.  Sometimes I feel that if I don't learn certain things, I'll literally burst.  My personality requires it.  I like being curious.  Being curious makes me feel alive, vibrant.  I like this word a tremendous amount.  I'm curious as to what tomorrow will bring. 



 
   

content

CONTENT, a. [L., to be held; to hold.] Literally, held, contained within limits; hence, quiet; not disturbed; having a mind at peace; easy; satisfied, so as not to repine, object, or oppose.


Huh?  NOT the definition I was expecting!  This Latin word was unexpected.  I've been pondering it all day, wondering how it could apply.  I was thinking of it in the noun sense, not the adjective sense; and all the c-words are adjectives.  This word was a surprise to me. 

Held.  Contained within limits.  Well, let's see.  I wasn't contained within limits much today.  I was limited with how far I could go, in that I was shy on gasoline or the money to replenish it today.  So I guess I was contained within the limits of my gasoline budget.  Hmmm.

The rest of it made more sense to me. "...quiet: not disturbed: having a mind at peace; easy; satisfied, so as not to repine, object. or oppose." 

This was more in line of what I was thinking today.  Mostly to be satisfied and have my mind at peace.  I worked hard on it all day.  It was a choice for me, not just something that I simply allowed to happen today, unlike some of the other words.  So, that being said, perhaps the first part of that  definition "...held, contained within limits..." wasn't so far off anyway.  I had plenty of opportunities to be upset today.  We have an adopted son with mental illness and fetal alcohol syndrome, which makes him very selfish and demanding, making it incredibly difficult for him to have a moral compass, to choose right from wrong, even though he understands right and wrong.  He just doesn't care about anything but getting what he wants.  He has tried to push my buttons several times today, but I "held" my peace.  I decided to NOT be disturbed, to keep not only my bad reactions in check, or contained, but to allow my good feelings to put a genuine smile on my face.  I was under control, contained within limits.  He responded well to that, and the both of us are at peace for the time being. 

I also had the opportunity to laugh hysterically tonight, as well.  Even that I "contained within limits".  I was satisfied with the  genuine laughter that still made my eyes water, but didn't go overboard. 

I am very excited at some of the business prospects that are coming into view, but even held that peacefully.  I opposed no one today.  I objected to nothing today.  I was easy to be with, it was easy for me to be with others. I chose to be "content" with all that came along today, satisfied----with a sincere smile on my face.  I actually was at peace all day today. 

I am learning to be happy with what I have; to be at peace with all that is around me....for today, at least.   I think, just for a moment, I felt something within myself that I've always wanted:  True graciousness.  I've always wanted to be gracious, and this word helped give me a taste of it for a brief moment.  It was heavenly.

Know how many times in my life I've tried to accomplish just one day like today?  I've lost count, perhaps even given up on trying anymore.  But I'd never attached a word to it, just tried to randomly pull it off.  The power of focusing on that one word today accomplished for me what I was beginning to believe was impossible.  And it was almost EASY.  Wow.  Who'd have thunk?  I am very content with this word. 

comely

COMELY, a.

1. Properly, becoming; suitable: whence, handsome; graceful. Applied to person or form, it denotes symmetry or due proportion, but it expresses less than beautiful or elegant.

I have seen a son of Jesse--comely person. 1 Sam. 16.

I will not conceal his comely proportion. Job 41.

2. Decent; suitable; proper; becoming; suited to time, place, circumstances or persons.

Praise is comely for the upright. Ps. 33.

It is comely that a woman pray to God uncovered? 1 Cor. 11.

O what a world is this, when what is comely envenoms him that bears it.COMELY, adv. Handsomely; gracefully.


Um, I don't even have an inkling as to how to describe my day today.  Not a clue.  Nothing truly extraordinary happened.  Nothing of worldly notability.  I can't say that anything around me changed.  So why was today so....poignant(?)....for me?  

Ever had one of those days where you wake up and you know something significant has changed within you?  A day when you don't know when or why something changed, you just know it did?  Perhaps it had to do with the c-word yesterday---  "Changeable" --- and my statement that I was going to change.  I am coming to believe wholeheartedly that connecting with these words actually bring them into being in everyday life.  They actually happen.  Perhaps that is exactly what happened to me today.  

The day felt different for me from the moment I got up.  I looked at my new word today, "comely", and felt something inside me smile wisely, pleased.  I immediately felt connected to this word.  It wasn't something I felt on the outside.  I do not feel attractive or handsome, or all that proper.  I don't feel beautiful to the world in any way.  Just the opposite, in fact.  

Surprisingly, I am starting to feel all that on the inside, believe it or not.  It's like a lightbulb went on inside of me and all of the sudden I just seem to "get" things.  There are some things I've wondered all my life, and today a couple of those wonderings were resolved, as all of the sudden I just understood.  Several "aha" moments today, where gears shifted and ideas clicked into place and wheels turned and I felt suddenly enlightened.  Is this making any sense?  

Though I don't look it on the outside, inside I feel comely.  There is a quiet calm within, despite the many opportunities I've had today to be annoyed, irritated, insulted and downright justifiably angry.  But I didn't do any of those things today.  Instead, I felt an interesting feeling I don't think I've ever felt before.  I felt accepting of just about everything today.  Today I felt "suited to time, place, circumstance, or persons."  I don't think there's any way to portray that from one person to another without both parties experiencing it.  

I still feel it.  Even though I didn't meet the midnight deadline on having this word recorded on June 25, that it's going to show up on June 26 and look like I skipped a day, when I really didn't, I just didn't go to bed until almost 2am, is all, I still feel it.  It feels.....really good.  Sad things have happened to me today.  Mean things have happened to me today.  Unfair things.  Some really good things happened to me today, too.  And ya know what?  They're all okay.  I didn't cry when I was sad.  I didn't get angry when I was frustrated.  I didn't fly off the handle when I was treated unfairly.  I stayed in grace in all of these things.  Wow.  That's a first.  

I hope it's not going to be the last.  "Comely".  What an awesome word.

 

 

Changeable

June 24, 2013
c-word: changeable

"Susceptibility of change, or alteration"


Okay, this is the scoop on me and this word.  I need to change.  Plain and simple.  If there's anything these words have taught me, it is that I can be better.  I can be more powerful.  I can be more gracious.  I can be truly majestic in all that is right and good.  

So this word is particularly important to me today.  I can change.  I MUST change, or I will never be what I feel I can be, what I know is lying within me, just waiting to explode into an immense power of light and goodness.  It's in there.  I have felt it for years.  

I am overweight and I hate it.  It has caused health problems, and any stress, be it positive or negative, sets those problems off, causing a lot of pain and sludginess.  It is not majestic in all that is right and good.  

I'm in there somewhere.  I feel me in there.  I know I'm in there somewhere.  These words are helping me break free.  Enough of this false me, I say!  Enough.  I am ready to change, I am changeable.  I am ready to be altered, to emerge.  I am ready for the real me to come forth.  

I also know I am a better person that what I've portrayed to myself and others.  I don't have to be grumpy.  I don't have to feel yucky.  I don't have to not like my life.  I don't have to be depressed, oppressed, sad, lonely, or any feeling that I might be feeling.  I don't have to repeat the same patterns I've always repeated.  

Enough! As of right now, I am changeable.  

What a powerful word!  What a blessing this program is for me!  Not only CAN I change, but I now believe I WILL change.   

I am changeable.

Classic

Classic:
-Belonging to the first or the highest rank
-Approved as a model
-Of lasting significance
-Adhering to standard and authoratative principles and form
-Balanced
-Formal
-Austere
-Recognized as a standard of excellence


Wowser!  Classic did not mean what I thought it meant.  I thought about this word all day, trying to fit it into my definition of what I thought it was.  Couldn't do it.  I'm glad I was incorrect in my definition, because I just couldn't grasp or connect to this word, otherwise.  But NOW.....well, now it's clearer.

I was a model to my children today--whether or not it was a good example, it's hard to say, as I was down most of the day with serious aches and pains and a migraine headache.  

I think the definition that really hit me with this word was "Of lasting significance".  Things are very black and white to me.  Almost no gray in the middle.  It is either right or wrong, good or bad.  My standards with general behavior are pretty high, and I've worked very hard to pass that along to my children.  When it comes to this type of thing, I am rather "classic".  Still, is it sinking into my children's heads?  Their hearts?  Have I taught them anything "of lasting significance"?  Am I learning anything of lasting significance?  Am I, myself, something of lasting significance?  I would like to be.  These words certainly make you think, that's for certain!

I tend to be austere. And rather formal.  Got that down pat.  But I tend to self-defeat, which would not indicate reaching high standards of excellence.  Sometimes I peter out, getting sloppy at the end of a project, or lazy with long-term goals.  That's why I like this program, as the blogging is something that, in order to do the program right, I have to be consistent and not poop out.  Blogging is teaching me discipline.  

That's another characteristic I believe falls under "classic".  Discipline.  From the definition above, I am certainly now of the opinion that being "classic" requires discipline.  And perseverence.  If you're going to run a race, finish the race.  If you're going to set a goal, meet the goal.  If I'm going to do this 90-day program, see it through to the glorious finish.  Classic!  

Interestingly enough, these words--though some of them BLATANTLY show me my weaknesses---never leave me feeling unworthy or bad.  I've been guilt-motivated my whole life, so that statement is really sayin' something.  I don't feel guilt for not be completely saturated in the perfection of each of these words.  I feel thoughtful, as I'm beginning to see myself for what I am more and more.  I thought I knew me.  The more I do this program, the more I realize I didn't know myself at all.  Getting re-acquainted with myself is quite pleasant.  I'm truly beginning to like me more and more.  What a concept!  :):):):)
 

Charismatic

 Saturday, June 22, 2013
C-word: Charismatic


Charismatic: adjective
Charisma: noun
Greek, favor, gift, from charizesthai to favor, from charis grace; akin to Greek chairein to rejoice 


This was an interesting day.  I've been thinking about this word.  I am learning through this whole program and the c-words that I can literally think these words into happening.  Weird!  But real, nonetheless.  It is getting to be an almost surreal experience with these words.  It seems that once I actually connect with a word, it literally brings it into being in my life---usually without even trying.  

So....charismatic.  I've never thought of myself as much of a charismatic person.  I looked up this word and found where the word came from, which I recorded above.  Favor; gift; grace; rejoice.  Wow.  Pretty powerful stuff.  

I've come to the point with these words that just thinking about them brings actual experience with them.  I loved the root meanings of this word, as they're attributes I strive to obtain.  I seldom succeed, but I believe I'm picking up the pace on that one.  It's slow, but it's comin' along.  

So I decided I would just go with the flow on this word.  I've said it out loud several times today.  Unlike being "charming", which is a manipulative and sometimes selfish word, as it pushes ourselves on others, "charismatic" actually draws people in!  People actually WANT to be around truly charismatic individuals.  

So, going with the flow, I came in contact with several people today, at least one of which is a really bothersome, rather dysfunctional individual.  Very needy.  Again, I just went with the flow---and ended up having quite a nice talk with her.  It was pleasant!

Same at Jo's house.  Charisma, I believe, is in all of us.  It is my opinion that we're all born with charisma, but it is trained out of us by society and the insecurities which drive people away are trained in.  That''s my opinion, however true that may or may not be.  I certainly believe it, though I don't know if that's an absolute truth.  For now, that's been my experience.  

I've had little kids that don't normally give me the time of day come and sit peacefully on my lap today.  Just because they felt like it.  Weird, huh?  My husband was drawn to me, wanted to be around me.  My teenage son, who usually has better things to do than talk to his old fuddy-duddy mom, WANTED to spend time with me tonight.  I KNOW, right?

This is what I meant when I realized that being "charismatic" actually means you're drawing people in!  This is really quite remarkable and means a lot to me.  These words have power---each and every one of them.  Today I saw the power of the word "charismatic".   It was quite a privilege to connect with this word.   

That's what I'm learning:  connecting with the word brings it into being.  For real.  The secret, then, is to connect to it.  The rest just falls into place.  This program is a blast of experiences and information!  I am not only improving my vocabulary, but I'm actually EXPERIENCING stuff!  And I'm learning tons about myself and the people around me.  What a great program!  

Friday, June 21, 2013
C-word:  Completed

Today is the first day of Summer.  Spring is officially "completed".  It is more than just "finished", for spring will be back, but for 2013, it's cycle is complete.  I've been thinking of this word all day, looking for ways that it could apply.  I don't know why, but I've given this one more thought that the others over the last week, which is saying a lot, as I've been really going for it with this program. 

When I'm done with The 90-Day CEO, I will officially be certified as a Presenter.  I will have "completed" the  Discovery Course.  Funny how that word is supposed to be an adjective, but I just used it as a verb. 

Truly, I am a work in progress.  It is I who must find completion, to be "completed".  Golly, will that ever happen?  There is so much to learn, so much to do, so many things to discover.  I almost don't like the thought of being "completed".  That would mean I was pretty much dead;  not looking forward to that quite yet. :)

There is a difference between "completed" and "finished", I believe.  The day will be finished here in about 25 minutes, but perhaps some of my tasks are not genuinely "completed".  So many times I've gone to bed thinking about all the things I still had to do, how many were only partially done, how many were incomplete.  The day will be finished, but the tasks continue on.  Making a bed is never "completed", I feel.  Being "completed" clearly suggests never doing it again.  Why would there be a need?  It is already "completed".  But I can make a bed daily and be finished for that particular bed-making moment.  Dishes, making the bed, cleaning the house, putting gas in the car, being a parent, etc.;  we can finish those, but it never goes away or stays away until they are "completed". 

There is much dignity in 'completing' things, as well.  A carpenter can make a cabinet or table or whatever, and eventually "complete" the project. He will never have to worry about finishing that project ever again.   Same with quilting, crafts and hobbies.  Same with many other things.  They can be "completed".  Projects can be "completed".  Procrastination, it seems to me, is the nemesis of  being "completed", for nothing would ever progress.  Is there REALLY a difference between 'completed' and 'finished'?

For instance, I made Christmas ornaments last Fall.  I finished them all, and they're truly beautiful.  They are currently tucked away under my bed, lying dormant, doing nothing of the measure of their creation for which they were made.  I'm sure I'll never feel that they're completed until they get to do what they were designed to do.  It seems sad, thinking of them doing nothing under the bed.  I sincerely hope they're never "completed" in their purpose, that they continue to bring smiles and sweet nostalgia every Christmas season. 
Is THAT the difference between 'finished' and 'completed'?

Wow, the more I think about this, the more I don't know if I'm interested in being "completed".  I want to go on and on, finishing this or that, but never ceasing to be a work in progress.  The discovery of ME, the becoming of ME, is a journey I'm still enjoying. 

Thursday, June 20, 2013
C-word:  Cooperative

What an interesting word.  There is no solidarity with this word, no singular sovereignty.  An "operative" can stand on his/her own.  They "operate".  "Co-operative" has a clear indication of 2 or more "operating" together.

I tend to take words pretty serious, even literally.  Otherwise, what good are they?  "Cooperative" does not indicate "compliance" as modern dictionaries would imply.  It seems to me that compliance means compliance, nothing more, nothing less.  "Cooperative", on the other hand, indicates working together, cohesively and agreeably, to reach a common goal.

Do I do that?  Am I cooperative, working with another agreeably towards a common goal?  I believe I have done that today; with Bronwen, certainly, also with my sisters today.

Zach and I are in Oregon at Kelly's house.  Crystal was very cooperative in that she helped Kelly set up her blog tonight.  I helped pay for gasoline to get here.  Crystal contributed, as well.  Our common goal was to get here.  We are both cooperative, as we reached our goal by working together.

Too often I see people do their own thing, working independent of one another, trudging along....alone.  Wouldn't it be nice if we were all cooperative one with another, working towards a common goal?  I think it would be the stirrings of the beginnings of Zion.  I will be more cooperative and do my part for the greater whole.  Yep.  Gonna do it.

Concise...

Wednesday, June 19, 2013
 c-word:  Concise

 

con·cise

[kuhn-sahys] Show IPA

adjective expressing or covering much in few words; brief in form but comprehensive in scope; succinct; terse:

Well, I am certainly concise.  Sometimes.  I'm very concise with my children...when I'm not lecturing them.  I'm doing better at that, actually.  I haven't lectured them for a very long time.  Sometimes I actually miss that glazed expression they get when I lecture....NOT!   

Concise was one of the things that others said is one of my strengths; taking long explanations and shortening them into better-understood sentences, that I"m very clear with words.  If they only knew how many words were going through my head at any given time.  It's staggering.  

I love words. I love their meanings, their power to affect change.  Perhaps that's why I love this 90-day program so much, because understanding the words help me to understand my use them, which leads me to understand me better.  

I believe that the word "concise" means to say exactly what you mean, no fluffy fru-fru words necessary to soften it.  I suppose that could come across as rather rude to some.  But I believe that being concise--not blunt, necessarily--is an indication of true honesty in a person.  Short, sweet, to the point.  Perhaps it can be seen as brusque, rude.  It is my feeling that if a person can't see "concise" for what it is, that person is perhaps too sensitive in their perception, too quick to take offense.  

Was I "concise" today?  Yes, I was, in several instances.  I went shopping for my son today, preparing to send him a care package in a couple of days.  I didn't waste time.  I just went in there, got what I needed, and came right out, moving onto the next phase in the day.  I believe it's possible to be "concise" with time, not just words.  Today I did both.  On the phone, in the store, at home, etc.  

Just a thought:  Concise seems a good way to get a point across, to get things done quickly and efficiently.  But does it leave any room for spontaneity?  Wow.  Never thought that before.  I'll have to give that some serious consideration.

 

June 18, 2013
c-word:  confident

Well, I am a day behind.  I really don't like being behind, but it couldn't be helped.  Again, I wrote in my journal, but didn't get it on the blog.  So, technically, this doesn't count as a fail, right? 

Anyhow, my c-word was "confident".  Um....I got a serious dose of humility with this one. 

Okay, here's the skinny on this:  I'm starting up a new business.  I know I'm supposed to do it.  I believe I can do it.  The problem:  I don't know what I'm doing.  (Shocker!  I KNOW, right?)

I'm in the middle of field testing a specific product.  It's not only doing well, it's doing EXTREMELY well.  So well, in fact, that it took me by surprise and I had to do a double-take. There was one defining moment in my thought process that came to the forefront of my mind;  "This is going to be big."  Huge, in fact.  I knew it with a certainty that went to the core. 

Bigger than me, with is big, because I'm a 'larger-than-life' type of person, a force to be reckoned with.  All this time I've been putting my business plan together, gathering information, securing contracts, field testing, etc., I've been extremely confident in my abilities, confident that these are good products, that the principles and objectives are good, are clear.  I've been confident that not only will this business help people, but will change the very core of their souls into something absolutely wonderful, helping them be who they are divinely supposed to be.  My confidence has been off the scale solid in all this. 

But when I saw how huge this is going to be, I got scared.  Bigtime.  I don't know how to run a big company.  I know how to run my own little business from home, but a corporation?  A big, corporate, work-outside-the-home business?  Is this right for me?  Can I maintain motherhood AND do all this?  Granted, other than a late-arriving caboose in our family, most of my children are practically grown and are beginning to leave the nest, but still.....

The details!  They're running around in my brain until my head is pounding.  The company structure, the benefits, the liability insurance, the lawyers, the CPAs, rules, regulations, bylaws, mission statement, logo, website, details, details, details.  I am trying to not freak out.

Okay, I have to go back to what I know.  I know I'm supposed to do this.  I know the time is now.  I know I CAN do it, I just have to be smart about it.  I know it will work.  And I know that if I don't jump on it now, it'll never happen.  No one else will do it.  Just me, to start. 

I can focus on this right now and get the beginnings done.  That's all.  Just the beginnings.  We'll worry about the rest later.  Time to breathe.  Just breathe. 

I am confident I can get the beginnings done.  Yes, I can do that.  I am confident I can do that, then look to the next step.  Yes, I can do that confidently.  Very much so.  Whew!  I don't have to have a nervous breakdown, after all!

Catching up 3

Well, this was supposed to go on last night, but my computer chord shorted and I couldn't get it on, so I am officially one day behind on the blog, even though I actually wrote it write on schedule in my journal.  So I'll just copy it over to blog and hopefully, barring other technological catastrophies, I will blog again tonight and be completely caught up.  Hoping.......

Sunday, June 16, 2013

C-word:  Chosen

Chosen.  Hmmmm....An adjective, descriptive.  It reminds me of that old Eddie Murphy movie back in the late 1980s, early 1990's called The Chosen .  There was also an awesome book by Chaim Potock (sp) about Hessidic and Orthodox Jews called The Chosen.  The movie had to do with a plot around an old Tibetan prophecy, if I remember correctly.  The book had to do with Jewish birthright.  I actually believe in both prophecy and birthright.  I believe they go hand in hand. 

I could say "I have chosen' to do this or that, but that would be more of a 'go and do' thing, a verb rather than adjective.  However, were I to say "I am chosen", "you are chosen", we're now back in descriptive/adjective mode. 

Jim is chosen, for I chose him.  My children choose team members to be on their baseball or croquet games.  The team members are therefore "chosen". 

Chosen is a derivitive of "choice", in context for these purposes to be used as an adjective; i.e. "I am choice",. 

What have I been chosen for?  I've been chosen as a friend, as a wife.  I've been chosen to play the piano at church.  I've been chosen to do other things, I'm sure, but I can't think of anymore at the moment. :)  I'll have to think on this....

Tomorrow's C-word:  Confident

Catching Up (Cont'd) June 9 -- June 15

These C-words are amazing.  They're not all that easy to define and use, either.  They are ALL quite revealing when it comes to exposing my real self.  Interesting.... 

I'm still trying to catch up the blog on all my journal entries.  This should get me up to date, I'm hoping.



Sunday, June 9, 2013
C-word-----Compassionate

"Today was the Lord's Day.  After my big realization about my "contrite" personality flaw, this was rather poignant to me; as I worked very hard to be more contrite, especially as I partook of the Lord's Sacrament.  I hope I was more contrite today than yesterday.

I looked around all day for opportunities to be compassionate.  They abounded, so I thought.  Still, it felt a little off.   I decided to investigate the word more carefully.  The dictionary explained compassion to be akin to empathy, sympathy, pity.  That didn't feel right, for some reason.  So I turned to the scriptures.  Alma 27,  Nephi 17, and Christ's example in the New Testament as He healed both body and spirit ---and even mind, in some cases.  In ALL examples of compassion in the scriptures, a pattern emerged.  The feelings of sympathy were always followed by a service of some kind.

SYMPATHY + SERVICE = COMPASSION

For me, this was quite a discovery.  One is not feeling true compassion if one is not moved to ACT upon the feeling, to do an act of service, to help relieve a burden.

Times I have felt compassion:

-Saw orphans, felt compassion, adopted 3
-Have seen people sorrow, embraced them, listened to them.
-See hungry animals, feed them.
-My children need their mom, I spend time w/them
-My dad works too hard.  I send my kids to help him.
-Read of Christ, resolve to be worthy of Him.

Compassion is  ALWAYS followed by service.  Always."

Tomorrow's C-word-----"Coordinated"



Monday, June 10, 2013
C-word --- Coordinated

An opportune day for this word, as we are back in Blackfoor for a few days.  We left this afternoon. 

I coordinated the laundry so we could pack clean clothes, coordinated the meals we would eat while here, coordinated packing suitcases, packing the car, coordinated things at home so they will run smoothly while I'm away. 

I have determined that being coordinated is simply organizing matter.  Tuna fish and bread are matter; I simply coordinated them, brought the two elements together to make one thing.  I organized them into a sandwich.  The tuna and bread are now coordinated. 

There is much more to this word, but my eyelids won't stay open.  I am so very, very tired."

Tomorrow's c-word:   Constant


Tuesday, June 11, 2013
C-word:  Constant

Hmmm....I don't know why this word is affecting me so deeply.  Just seeing it written down caused a stir within.  How strange.

I've been thinking about this all day.  How am I "constant"?  What IS "constant", anyway?  It is never stopping; an unstopping, ever-flowing movement or state of being.  I know of some things I am "constant" in or about:  I am constant in my desire to see my God.  I am constant in my concerns about motherhood.  I am constant in my loyalty to my friends.  These things never stop.  Neither does my fatigue.  I am constantly tired.  I am not constant in going and going all day, for I stop regularly to rest.

I look and seek to be better constantly.  I am "constant" in this."

Tomorrow's C-word:  Connected



Wednesday, June 12, 2013
C-word:  Connected

"Connected:  Linking.  Entwined.  Fused together.  Touching.

Um, this is not a simple word.  How am I connected?  Am I connected to anything?

Well, I supposed I am connected to the ground, in the sense that gravity won't allow me to leave it.  I am connected through my body and emotions to my children; by giving birth to them, they are a part of me; by my heart because of my stewardship and responsibility towards them and....well, they're literally a part of me, of my very essence.  A part of me lives on in them.  I am connected by heart and body to Jim: by heart because I love him, by body because of sexual and emotional intimacy, and by body because of the children we have created together.

I am also opening up my mind to the possibility of being further connected to things and people by an unseen force, a string, shall we say, one end on me, the other end connected to another.  I believe that I can tighten the resistance of that string based on my faith, belief, desire, pulling it taut and brining that thing or person to me as I focus on it.

If this is true then there would be no such thing as coincidence or random happenstance.   Perhaps this type of "connectedness" is "connected" to the very powers of creation itself, in that if we dream it or focus on it, we can actually make it happen, bring it into being.

I wonder if this is the most divine of connections, this power to create....anything.  I would be a most sacred power.  Most sacred, indeed."

Tomorrow's c-word:  Consious



Thursday, June 13, 2013
C-word:  Conscious

"I spent all day at the courthouse in Pocatello for Alicia.  It was a tense and stressful experience.  I was "conscious' of so many things: how hard the benches are, how stark the halls of the courthouse.  I was "conscious" of Alicia's pain and stress.  I could actually FEEL her panic and fear.  She has had to represent herself in court, in a very precarious situation where her custody of the children are at stake, the result of an abusive ex-husband.  A lesser woman (like me) would have buckled and given up by now. I am presently acutely aware of her courage, her nobility in the forefront of my mind.  Very "conscious" of her and her situation.

While she was in the courtroom, several of her friends, including me, were there to support her.  We pretty much just hung around all day so she would be greeted by friendly faces whenever she emerged from the courtroom.  While waiting we felt to go across the street to the church there and pray.  One of our mutual friends prayed for her.  It was possibly the sweetest, humblest, downright poetic prayer I have ever heard.

I was deeply "conscious' of the feeling of love that united us all (there were at least 7 of us) in that moment.  I wept. 

The stress of the day was exhausting.  By the time we got home, I looked forward to blissful sleep.  "Un-conscious" was looking good.  What a remarkable day."

Tomorrow's word:  Careful


Friday, June 14, 2013
C-word: Careful

:Today was another all-day stint at the courthouse.  None of us wanted to be there, but none of us would have even entertained the thought of not being there to support Alicia.

I looked around at all who were there and was filled with emotion at how many people love her.  They all cared, were full of care: "Careful"

Normally, one would hear the word "careful" and think it would indicate "caution".  Today that didnt' apply.  I'm not sure it would ever apply to "caution", as that would indicate fear.  As I sat on the witness chair, trying to defend her with the truth, I was trying to be "careful" in my words, so as to help her case, not condemn it.  I did not want to be fearfully cautious, but deliberate and aware, yet bold in my statements.  I was not even a little afraid, surprisingly.  I was ready to defend of the greatest women I've ever been privileged to know.  I was full of care.

I wasn't the only one, either.  There were many there for her, so many showing her thier love and support.  We all could feel her pain almost as if it were our own.  We all sat out in the hall and wept for her.  There were nearly 20 of us there, crying together for her.  We were quite a sight. 

I wish this court case was over.

Tomorrow morning I drive back to Boise.  I must drive carefully --- again, not cautiously, but with care for the other drivers around me, concerned and caring for their welfare and safety as well as mine. 

Today I was genuinely full of care."

Tomorrow's c-word:  Centered



 Saturday, June 15, 2013
C-word:  Centered

"To be on an axis:,  "In the middle", "focused", "Centralized, with a focal point". 

Well, all those applied to me today" as well as applied to others I came in contact with. 

I came home to Boise from Blackfoot today.  It was a long trip.  I had to go into Idaho Falls first to pick up a friend who needed a ride home back to Boise. He likes to be the "center" of attention.  I suppose, in that context, he was centered.  Or perhaps I "centered" him by giving him that attention.  Hard to say. 

I feel that I am on an axis, standing on a fulcrum, at least, balancing Boise and Blackfoot, friends and family; personal, family, business, spiritual, home.  It's exhausting.  I am centered, but it feels precarious, as if at any moment I could tilt out of balance, removing myself from the center, having the whole thing topple down.  Is it too much?  Or am I selling myself short on what I can handle?  One of my weaknesses is my tendency to feel overwhelmed quickly.  Perhaps I am only feeling overwhelmed because I have decided to believe that's how I am.  Perhaps a different decision would change that, so that I don't HAVE to be overwhlmed.  It's entirely possible that I can decide to be NOT overwhlmed, have a "can-do" attitude, and eventually do it all---with ease, being "centered" in my abilities, thereby accomplishing the impossible.

Tomorrow's C-word:  Chosen

Catching Up

Okay, I've been doing this program for almost a couple of weeks now, and I'm excited to transfer my journal entries to my blogspot.  It'll make it a lot easier to write it down at the end of the day, although I have to admit I've enjoyed writing in my journal daily.  Considering I wasn't originally looking forward to it, it's been a pleasant surprise to find I'm actually having fun with this.  

Writing about each word everyday has been a discovery; I feel as if I'm learning who I am for the first time.  It's a little scary, as I'm discovering the good and the bad, the light and the dark about myself, but I feel liberated, as well.  Now that I'm beginning to see myself more clearly, I feel I have more freedom to make different choices; within my mind, heart and actions.  

This program isn't just a self-help thing; it's changing me all over.  I don't know how to explain it.  It's not a help as much as it is a transformation.  Yes, I think that better explains it.  It is transforming me into a new, better me.  It is not helping me; it is changing me.  That is the power of the 90-day EWACEO program.  It changes people. 

Well, here are my entries so far.  I'm putting myself out there and I'm trying not to freak out at how personal these are, but I believe in this program and am stepping out in the power of faith and vulnerability to do what I believe is right with this.  Be kind, dear reader.  




 
Monday, June 3, 2013 

C-word---------"Contained"

"Today is the word "contained".  I am looking for any way to use this word. I am in Pocatello with Alicia today.  She has a pre-trial in 10 minutes.  We are at the courthouse and I am watching her try to contain her emotions and fear, to hold them in check so she can remain composed.

I am trying to contain my emotions, as well, for I REALLY dislike court situations.  Court itself, truthfully, seems so overly objective to me, that mercy is no longer allowed to enter into any verdict or ruling.  Especially with Alicia's court case.  Oops.  There I go, NOT containing my emotions!

I was getting dressed this morning and thinking of this c-word and how it could be used, dissected, understood.  I began putting on my bra, realizing that it was a container, that my breasts would be "contained".  OK, it's not entirely weird or inappropriate to talk about that, is it?  Well, maybe it is.  Sigh.

I stopped at Fred Meyer this morning to get an energy boost smoothie.  I drank it gratefully, realizing that it was no longer "contained" in a bottle, but rather, it was now "contained" in me.  I was now the container.  I "contain". 

A container is closed, yes?  My body is closed, for the most part, keeping fluids and organs in place.  Right now I"m beginning to get a headache and wish I could just open my head and let the ache out of my head.  Can that happen somehow:  open up my head and just let it out? 

Containers can be opened.  Their very nature demands it, now or later, does it not?  Even sealed containers can be un-sealed. 

Perhaps I can simply relax and LET the headache go.  That makes it sound like I'm holding onto it on purpose, voluntarily.  Begs the question: What else am I containing?  Fluids, certainly: blood, urine, mucus, tears, sweat, etc., all of which are "contained" and have ways of being released. 

I also contain emotions, chemicals, impurities, feelings, thoughts, toxins, among other things.  Can I simply lift the lid and let all the negative stuff be released as well?  There are certain things I don't wish to contain, others that I do.  I'll have to refer to my strength/weaknesses lists to determine which those are."

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

C-word.........."Clear"

"Today my c-word is "clear".  I'm finding it a bit of a challenge changing my mindset from one word to then next without still dwelling on the previous one.  I'm still thinking of "contained", for pete's sake!

I am in Blackfoot, staying at Jennifer's house.  Her children have become lazy and have become disrespectful towards their mother.  It's been difficult to watch, so I spoke to her to ask permission to boss them around a bit.  She said I could.  I "cleared" it with her, making certain I left no path of hurt feelings or resentments in my wake.  Then I thought about my approach to this challenge.  I had to be really "clear" about what I believed I could get them to accomplish in the few hours I had available.

We worked our butts off, metaphorically speaking.  She has a large home --- 3 levels.  The main level consists of 5 rooms.  We got 3 of them done.  It feels much better in her home, the kids are even more calm and kinder to one another.  It's suddenly peaceful here.

So, did we clean, then become "clear"? Or is it clean BECAUSE I got "clear" on my intent to help Jen clean her house?  Hmm.....

I was certainly "clear" on my intent to help.  She feels overwhelmed and it shows in the condition of the house.   The bathroom is huge.  I began to be overwhelmed and lost clarity on my objective, losing my ability to stay "clear" on what WANTED to do, so I broke it down to what I felt I COULD do.  I became absolutely "clear" on 2 things: the toilet and the bathtub.  They now sparkle.  There are still clothes and dirty towels on the floor, the mirror still smudged and dirty, the floor needs to be swept and mopped, but I"m not worried about that.  I leave in the morning to go back to Boise and I'm really "clear" about what I can do, what I'm willing to do.  I hope it helped her.

I'm also getting more "clear" about what I want to accomplish in my life.  I want to improve my health, get these businesses up and running.  Being here gets me out of the fog of Carson's abuse, and my mind is feeling more "clear".  MUCH more "clear". 

I have some decisions to make when I get home.  Clearly so."

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

c-word............."clean"

"Well, I am home in Boise today.  We left Blackfoot early this morning, as I had to be back here for an early afternoon appointment. 

The day is now done and I just took my evening bath and am preparing for bed.  I am bathed; washed "clean".  It was so hot today, I was sweaty and stinky.  Ew.  I don't like that feeling, so the nighttime bath helps me sleep better, feeling "clean" and refreshed.  I like that feeling.

Yesterday I had Jerem "clean" the car in preparation for our trip home.  It made it so much easier to pack.  I could work more efficiently and get more done faster, get more in because it was "clean" of garbage and clutter.  We cleaned it again when we got home.  So nice to not have to worry about it.

I also went and got groceries today, but first I got the fridge "clean".  It made it easier to fit everything in.

Jim and I had a disagreement today.  It was awful.  Nevertheless, we pushed through it.  There were some pent-up emotions in us both and it felt good to air them out and resolve some of them.  In some things, we've made a mess with each other, and it felt good to "clean" it up together.

I cleaned kitchen counters, a car, a refrigerator, my suitcase, laundry, hard feelings between Jim and me.  I cleaned vegetables for dinner, cleaned my hands several times throughout the day, etc.  However, in all this cleanliness, there is one pervading question in my mind:  Am I clean on the inside?  Am I clean before God?  Before my peers?  This now becomes a pressing matter for me to ponder.  I want to be "clean" in everything."

Thursday, June 6, 2013

"I skipped a c-word today so I could get a more formal strengths/weaknesses list done and officially recorded.  Had to do Assignment #2 while I had Crys and Kelly together.  They are also doing this, so it was fun to hear their lists and identify their strengths as well.  It was an extremely positive, even loving, experience, very uplifting."

Friday, June 7, 2013

c-word..........."Composed"

"I am on my 4th word.  Only 26 to go for the month!  Whoohoo!

I am composed.  I am a series of elements that have taken shape in human form.  I am composed of water, carbons, proteins, plasma, electrons, atoms, molecules.  I've just described the composition of a dog, cat, frog, eagle, mouse, slug, or any other living creature on this earth.  What makes me different from them? 

Perhaps science would say it's DNA, that infinite strand that identifies who and what we are.  Still, I don't believe that explains the complexity of thought, of reason, of feeling.

My thoughts and feelings define who I am.  What, then, composes those?  Is there such a thing as being pre-composed?  That perhaps we are a composed being within a composed being?  DNA doesn't change with death, and yet something changes as life leaves us.  And, as we lay lifeless in death, we de-compose, as elements redistribute themselves into the earth.  Can thought and feeling de-compose?  Something tells me they do not, but live on, holding fast together to live and breathe another day. 

I try daily to keep my emotions under control, to be composed, having composure.  Carson makes it hard.  It is not good to lose composure, as it shows a lack of controlled form.  Frustration, resentment, tears, anger, despair----all are types of de-composure, distributing negative thoughts and feelings into Mother Earth and bombarding those around us.

Composure, it seems to me, would indicate an environment of elements working together to create controlled movement or form.  When I'm angry are my facial movements working smoothly?  Under controlled form? I would say it is not.

Perhaps when Christ says, "Peace, be still" He is commanding to be composed; placid, still, at peace.

I wish to be composed at all times.   I desire to be composed and at peace always."

Saturday, June 8, 2013

c-word..........."Contrite"

" I did NOT enjoy this word.  I am contrite today, I just didn't enjoy it.  Maybe that means I wasn't really contrite.  I just haven't enjoyed it like I have the other words so far.  I have had to swallow a lot of pride and impatience today, as I listened to a friend of mine on the pone for an hour trying to explain legal property terms to me I didn't entirely understand.  I actually rolled my eyes at the wall, while listening....and listening...and listening.....

Halfway through the listening, I realized how disrespectful I was being, even though she wasn't aware of my discomfort.  I did her a disservice by not being contrite, teachable.  She is going to great pains to help us with this property thing.  I know this is unacceptable.  I should be contrite in ALL things. 

Tomorrow is the Lord's Day.  I will participate in the Lord's supper, the Sacrament.  He has asked me, asked us all,  to offer a broken heart and contrite spirit on the sacramental altar each Sunday.  I couldn't even be contrite for even one single hour with my friend on the phone.  If I can't be contrite with such a good woman, one of God's elect daughters, how then could God accept any alms given by me on His Sabbath day?

Oh, bother!  What a lowlife I am at the moment.   Wow. This was an eye-opener for me.  So, on the bright side, I am now much more aware of this weakness, can work on it, make a strength.  Again, wow."