Exist, Employ

exist

EXIST', v.i. egzist'. [L. existo; ex and sisto, or more directly from Gr. to set, place or fix; L. sto, to stand. The primary sense is to set, fix or be fixed, whence the sense of permanence, continuance.]

1. To be; to have an essence or real being; applicable to matter or body, and to spiritual substances. A supreme being and first cause of all other beings must have existed from eternity, for no being can have created himself.

2. To live; to have life or animation. Men cannot exist in water, nor fishes on land.

3. To remain; to endure; to continue in being. How long shall national enmities exist?

This was my e-word yesterday.  Exist.  It wasn't as easy of a word as I thought it would be.  The C-words revealed things in me; strengths and weaknesses, good and bad.  But that's all they did.  They just showed me my true character, instilled in me a desire to be better.   

Okay, the difference I'm seeing between the C-words and the E-words are quite startling.  With the C-words I could just explore and feel them.  With the E-words, I actually have to initiate DOING something.  C-words were adjectives, describing things; but the E-words are verbs and actually require movement, effort.  Effort (another e-word, by the way) makes me tired.  Sigh.

That being said, I found it hard to just "exist" yesterday.  I made a concerted effort to simply void myself of reaction and just "be".  It was weird, but I learned a lot.  I actually almost pulled it off.  Simply existing was hard work.  I had to be able to engage with people without actually drawing attention to myself, I decided.  What this revealed to me was that, IF I'm going to engage with someone, I like to be the center of attention, to offer to them what I feel valuable in myself that I believe could do both them and myself good.  I don't think this is selfish or egocentric.  This can be a good thing, depending on the motivation attached to it.  Ok, that was very difficult to do. If they engaged with me, I had to keep an emotional distance, or I would disconnect with the word "exist".  This is very difficult to explain. 

Another thing this revealed to me is that, to feel like I was simply existing, it was really easy to "go with the flow".  I made no major decisions, as that would put me into "reaction mode".  So it was VERY easy to just turn hither and thither and be pushed along with the current.  Though it took out any concern or worry for me, as I was jumping into the full experience of this word, it also alarmed me at how will-less I was while doing it.  My will had to be taken out of the equation (also an e-word) or I would lose my connection to the word.  It was so strange....and disconcerting.  

Huh.  I thought about being an intelligence before we were given a spirit tabernacle.  We "existed" then and could think, but it seems to me that that was about it.  As much as I don't like my physical body, as much as it causes me pain or discomfort, as much as it seems to think of its own accord and not counsel with me, I came to realize something.  This experience I had with the word "exist" showed me that a heavy, tedious body gives me FREEDOM.  Freedom to move and act, to take my existence into an understanding that I can change the things around me.  This body, however cumbersome, has given me mobility, movement, creative abilities.  It gives me freedom to put thought into deed, to make ideas realities.  Existence isn't enough for me.  I want to LIVE.  Living creates effect.  (Another e-word:)  What effect can I have?  Simply existing was confining and, well....boring.  I could observe, but do nothing about it without disconnecting from "exist".  It was one of the most bizarre things I've ever experienced.  

These words are quite remarkable.  Every day is different, and I never know where they're going to lead, what thoughts and feelings they're going to dig up.  How will the e-words "effect" my existence?  The next 29 days will be telling, indeed.  

employ

EMPLOY', v.t. [L. plico.]

1. To occupy the time, attention and labor of; to keep busy, or at work; to use. We employ our hands in labor; we employ our heads or faculties in study or thought; the attention is employed, when the mind is fixed or occupied upon an object; we employ time, when we devote it to an object. A portion of time should be daily employed in reading the scriptures, meditation and prayer; a great portion of life is employed to little profit or to very bad purposes.

2. To use as an instrument or means. We employ pens in writing, and arithmetic in keeping accounts. We employ medicines in curing diseases.

3. To use as materials in forming any thing. We employ timber, stones or bricks, in building; we employ wool, linen and cotton, in making cloth.

4. To engage in one's service; to use as an agent or substitute in transacting business; to commission and entrust with the management of one's affairs. The president employed an envoy to negotiate a treaty. Kings and States employ embassadors at foreign courts.

5. To occupy; to use; to apply or devote to an object; to pass in business; as, to employ time; to employ an hour, a day or a week; to employ one's life.

This one was a little easier for me today.  Again, e-words require DOING something.   I employed my car today to get me to church.  I employed my ears to hear testimonies given today.  I employed the kitchen, pots and pans, utensils, to make a meal for my children and friends.

I was looking forward to spending the day employing the Bible and my eyes to read it all day.  I LOVE studying the scriptures, looking for new discoveries, things I didn't know before.  And I got interrupted.  Doesn't anybody else do anything to keep the Sabbath day holy?  Is coming over to see me part of that endeavor?  All of the sudden, I had to play hostess.  I had to disengage from what I had made goals to employ, and be "on" for visitors.  Not just one visitor, but a whole bunch.  They flocked here, it seemed.  It was downright bizarre.  As I felt increasingly annoyed and frustrated, I had to "employ" patience and longsuffering, brotherly kindness and charity (such as I had.  I am quite deficit in many of those.)

So that was an eye-opener to me.  Sometimes I sit and try to BE patient, longsuffering, kind and loving.  Today I realized how dumb that is.  Waiting around for those traits through meditation and prayer and stuff is all noble and admirable.  But I think they must be "employed", relied on to effect a change.  I had to use them like tools.  Did that ever cause a SERIOUS  paradigm shift for me!  They're tools that, once employed enough, wielded enough, actually effect change in the employer.  Permanent change.  I am an employer.
I think I will try to employ those virtues more tomorrow and on and on.  I can devote more attention to them that way.  Does that make it easier, or what?!?

Huh.  Who knew?